The Security of Familiar Miseries
Change is hard, and there is a certain comfort in the security of familiar miseries. This comfort doesn't arise because being miserable is enjoyable, but rather because it allows us to avoid the unpredictability that comes with trying something new. We often stand in the way of our own progress, not because we don't want to move forward, but primarily because we are afraid. We fear what or who we might lose, as well as how changing might alter our sense of who we are and our relationships. Letting go of the person we know ourselves to be can be daunting, and we worry that taking steps toward necessary changes will lead to losing our way in life or causing everything to fall apart. Change can be truly terrifying—not just on an emotional level but on many different levels.
It's important to recognize that it's not your fault. Neurologically, humans have threat-sensitive, energy-conserving brains. When we begin to change something, the brain's amygdala releases hormones that trigger the Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn response, protecting us from change. The specific manifestations of these threat responses are unique to each individual, causing the brain to revert to familiar, "tried-and-true" methods of coping, which can be an energy-saving strategy. This is often referred to as 'self-sabotage,' where behaviors inhibit our progress. Ironically, this is usually when we are on the brink of a breakthrough, and yet we revert to old ways, even if they no longer serve us. I won't tell you that you 'have to really want it' or 'try harder' because there are many reasons why we don't change.
Our lives are interwoven with the systems we belong to, which affects our ability to change. We may feel afraid to change because we are in environments that do not support it. Families and workplaces can hinder one’s ability to evolve. Social systems like education, healthcare, and issues such as racism, homophobia, misogyny, ageism, and diet culture can further obstruct personal progress. When we factor in our threat-sensitive, energy-conserving brains, it becomes even more challenging to make changes. Our struggles with change cannot be attributed to just one factor. Instead, it may be more helpful to recognize just how difficult change is and to understand the ways we tend to protect ourselves from it. By becoming aware of these patterns, we can prepare for these moments and view them not as weaknesses but as signs of growth.
Here are some everyday behaviors to watch for, along with some alternatives:
Procrastination - If you find yourself struggling with procrastination, know that this is very common. Many people face this challenge, which can often be linked to self-esteem issues that make reaching for success feel daunting. It’s perfectly understandable to fear failure, which can create intense feelings that make it hard to move even a little bit forward. Remember, procrastination is a complex issue and doesn’t reflect a lack of willpower or laziness.
Alternative: Try to explore the reasons behind your procrastination. Take a moment to confront your fears and beliefs about yourself; this can be a brave step. Identifying your triggers can empower you to create conditions that make it harder to procrastinate. Focus on your future self and imagine the relief and joy you’ll feel when you take action. It’s a choice between enduring short-term discomfort or dealing with long-term gain, and you deserve to choose progress.
Perfectionism - It’s so easy to fall into the trap of striving for impossible standards, and it can lead to frustration and setbacks. If you often feel ashamed when things don’t go perfectly, know that you’re not alone—many perfectionists experience this cycle.
Alternative: Gently remind yourself that you’re not a robot or a superhuman. It’s okay to adjust your expectations to something more realistic and achievable. Everyone makes mistakes, and practicing self-compassion during those moments is crucial. Struggling is a normal part of being human, and it’s okay to embrace your imperfections.
Self-medication - Many of us turn to alcohol, drugs, or self-harm as a means of coping when our feelings feel too overwhelming or frightening to face. It’s understandable to want to retreat to familiar comforts, even if they only offer temporary relief. Please recognize that while self-medication might provide short-term solace, it often prevents getting to the deeper issues that need attention.
Alternative: Accept that it’s normal to feel worse before you begin to feel better. Seek out healthy ways to process your emotions, and know that you deserve support from nurturing individuals around you. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of past coping methods and to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.
Inconsistency - It can be discouraging to feel that a lack of motivation means you can’t act. The truth is, consistency is often more important than motivation. Even when you’re feeling uncomfortable, you can still take steps forward.
Alternative: Show up for yourself and take action, even if it feels challenging. You might be surprised to notice how your feelings shift once you start. Remember to choose practices that feel sustainable for you; keeping promises to yourself can help build trust and confidence over time.
Blaming - When we step into unfamiliar situations, it’s natural to want to blame external factors for our struggles. However, focusing on self-awareness and personal growth can be a more empowering path forward. You are capable of exploring your feelings and experiences, and that practice can lead to significant growth.
Alternative: If you want to change something, focus on what you can do. The sphere of control/influence may help identify what is in your control to change: Circle of influence/control.
Change is challenging and for so many reasons. Offering ourselves compassion and patience and focusing on what we can do to ease the process is necessary. What do you feel is getting in your way of changing? Do you tend to blame, procrastinate, self-medicate, or do something else? How could you flip the script?
