The Security of Familiar Miseries
Change is hard. There is much comfort in the security of familiar miseries. Not because it is comfortable to be miserable, but because, on some level, it helps us avoid the unpredictability that doing something different brings.
We can get in the way of our progress not because we don't want to progress but mainly because we are afraid. We are so scared of what or who we might lose. We fear who we will be if we change and how this will change our relationships. We are afraid of letting go of who we know ourselves to be. We fear that we will lose our way in life and worry things will entirely fall apart if we step toward the necessary changes. Change can be downright terrifying. And not just on an emotional level but on many levels.
It's not your fault. Neurologically, humans have threat-sensitive, lazy brains. When we move toward changing something, the brain's amygdala releases hormones for Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn, protecting you from change. The specific ways these threat responses look will be unique to you. The brain will tend to go to the familiar, 'tried and true' ways it found to protect you to conserve energy. We tend to think of this as 'self-sabotage,' which refers to the behaviours which inhibit us from progressing. It is often the case that right when we are on the brink of a breakthrough, this is when we tend to revert to old ways, even if they don't work anymore.
I wouldn't tell you that you 'have to really want it' or 'try harder' because there can be many reasons why we don't change. We constantly interact with the systems we belong to, affecting what we can do. We may feel afraid to change because we are in an environment that doesn't support it. Families and jobs can sabotage someone's ability to change. Social systems like education, health care, and issues like racism, homophobia, misogyny, ageism, and diet culture can sabotage a person's progress. Add in our threat-sensitive, lazy brains, and it gets that much harder to change things.
Our struggles with change aren't something we can blame on just one thing. Instead, it may be more helpful to remember just how hard change is and to get to know the ways we may protect ourselves from change. If we know that, we can plan for these moments and recognise them not as moments of weakness but as signs of growth. Here are some everyday things you could look out for with some alternatives:
Procrastination
If you procrastinate, it could be because you struggle with self-esteem and don't give yourself the chance to try. Or perhaps you're afraid of failure, and you overbook and then feel overwhelmed, so you only want to put one foot forward unless it's out the door. We may procrastinate for many reasons, and they're more complex than laziness.
Alternative: Get to know why you procrastinate. Confront your fears and beliefs about yourself. What helps you procrastinate, and what makes it more difficult? Make it difficult to procrastinate. Think about your future self and the relief you will feel. It's a matter of short-term discomfort over long-term discomfort.
Perfectionism
Holding oneself to an impossible standard will cause delays and setbacks. Perfectionists come undone and feel ashamed when things go wrong, as they inevitably will. They can use this as evidence that they need to try harder, and as a result, they reinforce their need to be perfect. But here is the thing: it's not you, it's your expectations.
Alternative: You are not a robot or superhuman, so stop expecting yourself to be. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Make them achievable, and this will help you feel better about yourself. Offer compassion when you make mistakes, fall short, or miss the mark. Struggling isn't a reflection of your inadequacy but your humanity.
Self-medication
People soothe themselves with alcohol, drugs, or self-harm because they don't know how to be with the way they feel. Feeling those feelings may seem too painful, overwhelming, or shaming, so people retreat to what they know works. Self-medication may work in the short term, and that's why it can be so compelling. It can get in the way of a person connecting with what they feel and need so that they can heal.
Alternative: Accept that you will feel worse before you feel better. Find ways to deal with complicated feelings. Surround yourself with people who feel comforting, safe, and nurturing. Grieve the loss of whatever way you self-medicated and forgive yourself.
Inconsistency
We often think that if we can't find the motivation to do something, we are out of luck and can't do it. The good news is that it's not about motivation but consistency. We can do things even when they are uncomfortable or don't feel like doing them. Remember, our brains will fight us to stick to the familiar, but consistency is necessary to grow.
Alternative: Show up regardless of how you feel. Pay attention to how your feelings may change after you get started. Make sure whatever practice you're committing to is sustainable. Keeping promises to yourself builds self-trust and self-confidence.
Blaming
When we get into unfamiliar territory, we can often project our difficulties onto external things. We may make our job, partner, environment, or therapist the problem or the something that is getting in the way of us changing. When we blame, we are not focussing on the things we can take responsibility for, and in turn, we put our progress at the mercy of stuff outside our control.
Alternative: If you want to change something, focus on what you can do. The sphere of control/influence may help identify what is in your control to change: Circle of influence/control.
Change is challenging and for so many reasons. Offering ourselves compassion and patience and focussing on what we can do to ease the process is necessary. What do you feel is getting in your way of changing? Do you tend to blame, procrastinate, self-medicate, or do something else? How could you flip the script?
