“But I Had a Happy Childhood”: Why Therapists Go Back to the Past

Many people arrive in therapy with a version of this sentence: “I had a good childhood, so I don’t think this has anything to do with my past.”

It’s said with conviction, sometimes with guilt. Often, it’s followed by: “Other people had it so much worse.”

But as Dr. Gabor Maté—a renowned physician, speaker, and author known for his work on trauma, addiction, and mind-body health—reminds us, trauma is not what happens to you—it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened (or didn’t happen) to you.

Why Do Therapists Talk About Childhood?

1. The Past Lives in the Present

According to attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth), the patterns of safety, connection, and attunement we experienced—or didn’t experience—in childhood form the blueprint for how we relate to others and ourselves as adults.
Even if the past is “over,” its imprint lives on in our nervous systems, expectations, and relationships.

“We don’t remember what happened to us as children—we remember how it felt.”
—Dr. Maté

Neuroscience supports this: The brain develops in relationship. Early experiences shape neural pathways, stress responses, and even immune function (Siegel, 2012; Schore, 2001). When childhood needs aren’t met—whether due to neglect, emotional misattunement, or chronic stress—we adapt. But those adaptations can become our suffering later.

2. Debunking the “Happy Childhood” Narrative

Gabor Maté gently challenges clients who say they had an ideal upbringing, not to dismiss their experience, but to explore what they had to believe in order to stay attached and survive. As children, we will protect the parent over the truth—because attachment is life.

So when someone insists they were never angry, never sad, always “easy,” Maté might ask:
“And what did that cost you?”

Did you learn to suppress emotion to be good?

Did you adapt to become who your parents needed you to be?

This is not about blame. It’s about context. Understanding your adaptations is the key to reclaiming your agency.

3. Compassionate Inquiry Means Making the Unconscious Conscious

Dr. Maté’s method invites curiosity, not blame. Compassionate Inquiry seeks to understand:

• What did you have to suppress to stay safe, loved, or accepted?

• Where did you learn that your needs were too much?

• When did you start believing you had to earn love, or that rest equals laziness?

Uncovering these early messages isn’t about living in the past. It’s about freeing ourselves from it. While I don’t use Maté’s specific method, I do explore all experiences with compassion. Together, we gently uncover the stories beneath the patterns—not to dwell, but to understand. Because when we meet those early patterns with compassion, we begin to loosen their grip—and make space for a fuller, more authentic life.

4. The Body Remembers What the Mind Forgets

As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma lives in the body.

You might not remember being dismissed, ignored, or overburdened—but your body does.

That tightening in your chest before a confrontation.

That need to overachieve to feel worthy.

That collapse into shame after setting a boundary.

Childhood isn’t just a history. It’s a somatic inheritance.

Final Reflection:

Therapists don’t revisit childhood to dwell, blame, or dissect parents. We go back to understand the origin of the parts that still feel stuck.

We go back to honor the child who had to adapt to survive.

And we do it with compassion—so that healing doesn’t mean forgetting, but remembering with kindness and reclaiming what was lost.

References & Further Reading

• Maté, G. (2019). The Wisdom of Trauma [Film & Interviews]. Science and Nonduality (SAND).

• Maté, G. (2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books.

• Maté, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery.

• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.

• Schore, A. N. (2001). The Effects of Early Relational Trauma on Right Brain Development, Affect Regulation, and Infant Mental Health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1–2), 201–269.

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

• Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.